Dateline, Friday December 21st, 2012
Planet: Oyth
The last day has arrived.
As I type this, massive galactical gravity waves are slamming themselves into the sun. Reports from the sun
say things are really heating up. So far here in Minnesota, the lights remain on.
I will try to hold out as long as I can. I wish my fellow humans all the best on this very last day, but for now I must leave you on your own, for I have a sink full of dirty dishes to do.
Godspeed and Good Luck!
The Butt
Update 0617 GMT, Bloomington, Minnesota, USA, Oyth- just checked outside, its still dark, the sky is still up in the air and the ground continues to hold me up from below. It's pretty cold out, but all seems normal so far. Trying to contact NASA, lines remain busy. I am holding my own.
ReplyDeleteUpdate Supplemental, just had a scare, my computer clock lost 1 minute, but it was just the screen saver. The cat was outside meowing like crazy, my worst fears were alleviated when I opened the door and realized he was just cold. Sky is still in up position here. The BBC in Singapore is reporting cricket news, the Ivonian Yeah Yeah Tori of the Ebola United is baking his fritter in the funk. It's 1-0 in the fourth test match set from Johannasburg. I continue holding my own.
ReplyDeleteUpdate: 0648 GMT.
ReplyDeleteJust had another scare. Took out the garbage and looked up to check the sky, strange lights low on the horizon heading west to east right towards me. Confirmed, was just a Delta Airbus 320 on final approach to runway 17-35 at MSP. He landed safely. Atmosphere appears to still be pressurized. Also just got off the phone with the President, he said I should try not to worry so much and get some sleep. He seemed rather irritated and crabby so I didn't give him the cricket scores. Next update in 1 hour or sooner if something strange happens.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteUpdate 0827 GMT.
ReplyDeleteUnconfirmed reports from NASA. Scientists at NASA's JPL in Pasadena believe a fight has broken out while the planets were lined up waiting for the sun to explode. A scientist who refused to be identified stated he and several colleagues believe Pluto became very impatient at the end of the line and shoved Neptune into Uranus. This pissed off Jupiter who went after Uranus. Saturn had to pull the other 4 planets off Jupiter. No word on any injuries at this time. Both SETI and CERN have been notified. The United Nations is trying to organize an emergency meeting of the security council in order to remind people that Pluto is still not a planet anymore. Mercury is reportedly in orbit, but no longer talking to any of the other planets in protest.
meanwhile on Oyth...
The Japanese Ministry Of Sunrises is confirming the sun is in fact rising and shining as normal this morning.
http://public.web.cern.ch/
http://www.seti.org/
http://www.jpl.nasa.gov/
Update 0840 GMT.
ReplyDeleteOkay I have like 3 pots of coffee in me now. Things are going south.
Note to self, calling Leonard Nimoy at 330am for comment on this Mayan Poxyclipse thing? was a really bone-headed idea. I never knew a Vulcan could swear like a sailor in Klingon!
http://google.translate.com/klingon_to_english/vadabahd_RAKHT
Update 0920 GMT.
ReplyDeleteBBC now reporting Ebola United has taken the last match set in Johannesburg. I couldn't sleep Mr. President, I just couldn't after pissing off Leonard Nimoy, but I tried.
So I took a tour of the backyard and everything is still here and normal looking. I am still fastened to the Oyth and I am listening to Billy Thorpe's Children Of The Sun and eating a bowl of Wheaties. If it all should end before I finish typing this, I just want everyone to know I went out fully clothed but in style!
http://youtu.be/8VZC5vFVJJY
^Billy Thorpe's Chitlins Of The Sun
Update 0958 GMT.
ReplyDeleteContinue to hunker down here on The Oyth. The weather forecast only shows dec 21 for all future days in the extended forecast, starting to really worry now. Will try to hold out until daylight. Have thought about calling Stephen Hawking but I have already pissed off Mister Spock and the Prez, tryin to keep my composure and dignity as long as I can...
Update 1018 GMT.
ReplyDeleteNASA now confirming the report that Uranus suffered minor cuts and bruises in the earlier scuffle with several other planets. They plan to send a probe to Uranus tomorrow to check for
any internal injuries. The sun still has not exploded, but the planets are still lined up waiting. The moon could not be reached for comment.
The Oyth remains tilted on its axis and spinning in normal operative mode.
Still holding out for daylight.
Update Yadda yadda GMT
ReplyDeleteThis may be my last communication. Not looking good for making it to dawn. Left a voicemail for Stephen Hawking. Thinking the real test will be upcoming at midnight see if the date changes.
DirecTV is still broadcasting. Think I'll watch the adult sex toy channel for a bit and try and get some shuteye. Perhaps time will still be going when I wake up. Feeling a bit foolish about the 471½ cases of Chef Boy Ar Dee I got stashed in the basement. If we are all here when I wake up, I look forward to updating you further.
Update 2327 GMT...
ReplyDeleteApparently time isn't ending today, yet. I hear that things are business as usual in Washington DC, so I am heartened by this, but I will be at my post at Midnight, just in case.
Update: Final, 0040 hours, 12-22-2012
ReplyDeleteApparently the Mayans were wrong and the White House was right.
I am glad the world will continue. I like the world. Even though it is full of dumbasses.
Carry On!
um...why does the timestamp on this post say December 21, 2012 10:41 PM ?????
DeleteTime test, test 1-2, trim
ReplyDeleteThis thing is on Pacific Time, oh well, Mayans were wrong, time marches on...three...four
DeleteDecember 21, 2012 2,721:46 o'clock AM, I think...
ReplyDeleteOh boy... Lol
ReplyDeleteBtw, unknown is really code, for Ashley haha
ReplyDeleteROFL
Delete